How Men Can Help End Domestic
Violence
Alan Mayman
Berkley
County, West Virginia
I remember locking eyes
with my friend as he told me "It's the
alcohol, you know, man? And I haven't touched a
drop since she kicked me out." He wanted his
wife to know that, and he wanted her to take him
back
And it seemed he wanted
me to grant him absolution from his inexcusable
behavior. He also wanted to confirm that our
friendship was still intact.
I remember how hard it
was to confront him then, I was still so shocked
by it all. He was my friend, my hunting buddy,
the guy I'd joke and laugh with on boat trips
while fishing the Potomac, or on Saturday nights
when we all got together. But until she came out
and told everyone, I really had no idea that he
was abusing his wife.
Do you know someone who
is abusing their partner? If so, what are you
doing about it? I came face to face with this
question the day I found out about his abusive
behavior.
According to the National
Institute of Justice, as many as 95 percent of
domestic violence perpetrators are male. While
men are victims of domestic violence too, it is
clear that the vast majority of abusers are men.
To combat this, we have
batterer intervention programs, shelters,
protective orders, and calls to 911-all vital,
but simply not enough to deal with the magnitude
of the problem of domestic violence in the
community
We need more. We need a
fundamental shift in the way we respond to people
who are abusive, and I believe that men are in
position to make the greatest contribution to the
struggle to end domestic violence. Abusing your
wife or girlfriend with language, fear,
iron-fisted control, intimidation, ridicule, or
actual physical blows is not only completely
antithetical to the notion of love or a caring
relationship-it is also simply wrong. Easy
enough.
If you disagree, then
stop reading now. I can't comprehend what passes
for thinking in your mind, and this article is
not targeted at you. Get help. Instead, I'm
hoping that men reading this who know an abuser-a
friend, relative, or co-worker-will stop and
think about how they interact with this person.
The first challenge is to
realize the abuse is actually happening. This can
be difficult, because domestic violence doesn't
always leave bruises or broken bones: it can be
verbal or emotional abuse which doesn't leave
marks that you can easily see.
But sooner or later, you
might catch some clues. Maybe she seems afraid or
reserved around him, or acts differently when
he's around. Maybe she does have bruises, from
falling down (again?).It is your business to know
the men you call your friends, so look hard.
The second challenge is
to understand that the abuse is not caused by the
wife or girlfriend, the alcohol, or the stress
from work. It is a conscious decision on the part
of the abuser to use fear and intimidation to
control their partner, and there is simply no
room for this kind of behavior in a loving,
caring relationship.
His professions that
"it's the alcohol" or "I just
can't control my temper", should carry no
weight. Let's suppose you discover that your
friend or family member is abusing his wife or
girlfriend.What can you do about it? Tell
yourself it's none of your business? Grab a beer
or see a movie or swap jokes with someone who
abuses the person they are supposed to love?The
point, for me, at least, is not to fix your
friends' problems or try to end a
multi-generational pattern of abuse and
violence.That's not something we can necessarily
control. However, we do have control over
ourselves and our sense of humanity, honor,
integrity, and compassion.We can decide that
someone else's violent behavior, even though it's
not directed at us, is an unacceptable quality in
a friend or family member.
We may not be able to
change them, but we can change how we interact
with them. That ball is in our court. We can send
the message that domestic violence is
unacceptable; we can end our tacit approval of an
ugly, abhorrent behavior.
Standing on the side of
what's right isn't always easy-it cost me a
friendship.But it also granted me unexpected
rewards. My ex-friends' soon-to-be ex-wife took
comfort in the way I reacted to him and my
decision to end our friendship; my friendship
with her has since grown. Maybe I also helped her
to start healing.I hope so.
Reaching out to someone
who is being abused is something we can all do.
It can be a powerful affirmation for someone
dealing with the self-doubt and fear that haunts
anyone in an abusive relationship.
Men are in a position to
help in the fight against domestic violence. We
are fathers, brothers, friends, role models; we
are most of the judges, police, and policy makers
in our community.We should all ask ourselves if
we know anyone who is abusing his partner-and if
we do, we should do something about it.
It may be hard to give up
a friendship, but imagine how hard it is for the
girlfriend or wife to see her friends continue to
laugh and joke and be friends with the person
that is hurting her, even though they know about
it.What are you telling her through your
behavior?What are you saying about yourself?
Thanks to Tony
Switzer for securing permission to reproduce this
article.
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